When a child has self-harm or even suicidal tendencies, parents would be distressed and worried. They naturally devote even more attention and care to the child. However, in some cases, if parents give up more for their children, their children’s self-harm and suicide tendencies will become stronger. What can be done? It is an intense and uncomfortable emotion that drives people to self-harming and suicide. These emotions are often guilt and shame. If you make others (especially those you value very much) uncomfortable, such as rejecting their kindness, bothering them to do things, disappointing them, or losing face, you will feel guilty. Repeated guilt creates shame. Shame is the denial of self-worth. What shame brings is intense sadness, panic, and anger. All these negative emotions are directed at the self (especially the self-anger that stems from self-hatred). It is painful beyond what words can describe.
When parents care about their children, how can they avoid making their children feel guilty or even ashamed?
Be honest with each other: “What you want to eat, what you don’t want to eat, just say it. Say yes to what you want; Say no to what you don’t. Don’t hold back.” This is what a comfy home meal should be. On the contrary, an unhealthy way of communication is to misunderstand the real needs of both parties and passionately provide the other party with what’s unneeded and unwanted. Even if the other party refuses, the price will be the feeling of guilt (a person wanted to give me the best, but I rejected their kindness and disappointed them). After this feeling repeats, shame develops.
Take care of yourself: To take care of your children with all your rest and entertainment can only lead to mental exhaustion and illness. Unless the person being cared for is 100% cold-blooded, they will feel guilty, thinking: It is because of my problems that the people I love suffer. Then there will be feelings of shame: I am a bad person, a high-maintenance piece of trash. Self-harm is precisely the punishment for a bad person such as me; suicide is a way to clean up trash such as me.
Therefore, parents should not only take care of their children but also themselves. This is not just a politically correct statement (“Doctors have to say this in newspapers”), but it is one of the keys to preventing children from committing suicide.
Written by: Dr. William Chui
Originally posted on: Health HKEJ
Translated by: Cheuk Long Chan
