Yong’s left hand surgery was successful. He was transferred from the orthopedics department to the psychiatric ward. After two weeks of evaluation, the doctor confirmed that Yong did not suffer from any mental disorders.
One night a month ago, Yong had been on duty for 24 hours straight. He was also lectured by his boss for an hour. He was exhausted both physically and mentally. When he stepped into the house, his wife kept looking down at her phone without saying a word, resenting Yong for ignoring her. At this time, Yong suddenly snatched away her mobile phone. He was fuming, which made him want to smash the mobile phone at her head. Fortunately, at this critical moment, his wife’s panicked eyes stopped Yong’s hand. However, the destructive power in his heart turned inwards to himself in an instant. He threw the phone to the ground, then rushed into the kitchen and chopped his hand with a knife.
Where does this terrible power to destroy yourself and your loved ones most come from? “Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding.” (Mahatma Gandhi)
In families, anger stems from unfulfilled expectations to be loved. Everyone needs to be loved. To be loved means to be noticed, understood, accepted and cared for. The more important and intimate the person is, the more they expect love from the other person. When you are hurt or tired, you long for this love at home even more. If this expectation is met, you will gain a sense of security. Your self-confidence and self-worth will increase. The relationship between family members will also deepen.
If the expectation to be loved by your family or partner is not fulfilled, it is easy for you to feel unworthy of love and incompetent. This thought is painful and shameful. The unbearable feeling of shame will trigger the psychological defense mechanism and transform into anger. The negative emotion of anger is very strong and destructive like a powerful explosive. Shooting bullets at others is murder; Shooting at oneself is suicide; Detonating explosives in the house is an act of kamikaze. The anger caused by the failure of the expectation to be loved is the “dynamite” that ends with domestic violence and even family tragedies.
While he was in the hospital, Yong and his wife mustered up the courage to openly express to each other their expectations to be loved. After being discharged, Yong gave his wife a new mobile phone. She also changed the unlimited Internet plan of the mobile phone to a limit of 6GB per month, each taking the first step to express their love.
(Details of the story have been modified to protect patient privacy)
Written by: Dr. William Chui
Translated by: Cheuk Long Chan
