When the pandemic is over, what is the first thing you want to do? I believe some people are thinking about getting a divorce immediately. They had a feeling of clarity like they finally saw through how ugly, incompetent, stubborn, and selfish the person beside them was. Every day trapped at home, and all kinds of bad things have deepened their determination to go their separate ways. Even if they haven’t gone to such an extreme, some people still don’t understand why the pandemic made their husbands and wives annoying.
The reason is that nature has shaped our human brains primarily for survival. Therefore, when people are in a strange and potentially dangerous situation, they will naturally feel uneasy and fearful, entering the thought pattern of being persecuted. When any unknown entity gets close, you will first treat it as hostile and dangerous. In short, better safe than sorry. This COVID-19 pandemic is completely unfamiliar and brought forth life-threatening dangers, so it makes people very uneasy and frightened.
Therefore, when people under the same roof are trapped in a small place, just using the toilet is enough to make them hate each other. Feeling like they are maliciously playing with their mobile phone in the toilet for a long time at the exact moment when you really need to go. Or maybe you feel that your partner is using the pandemic prevention as an excuse to prevent you from going out, for fear that you might cheat. Thinking: If you are so scared that I will cheat, please explain why you are not nicer to me at other times… In general, just see the worst in each other.
When feeling uneasy and fearful, another thought pattern is: focusing only on what is lacking and bad at this moment, thus turning a blind eye to the good and what you already have. Let’s say your kid needs to learn online. Out of 10 worksheets, only 4 have been completed. Your eyes can only see the 6 blank ones. Then you blame your husband for being too lazy to do anything, or maybe your wife is not willing or even not able to use her brain.
Have you ever fallen into any of these cognitive traps? Many couples had their relationship improved during these few months. These wise couples often utilized four specific techniques. They could avoid the trap caused by the aforementioned nature of the human brain.
First, innocent until proven guilty. For example, you asked them to do something, but they failed to do it. Unless there is sufficient evidence to prove that they were capable but deliberately failed to do it, it is not easy to accuse them of provocation and opposition. Ask yourself calmly, is it because of their actions or not?
Second, count your blessings, not what you lack: Remind yourself that four worksheets are completed already. If your wife didn’t supervise your kid, the four worksheets would still be blank. Focusing on what you have first, you will naturally think more and ask: Who has made a difference? This is how a grateful heart is cultivated.
Third, smile. When the human brain is first born, when it is still a baby, it first can recognize faces, and then the ability to speak and communicate. Especially when you are anxious, you are more likely to read the intentions of the people nearby through faces rather than spoken words. If your expression is tense, it is easy for a person who cares about you and values you to interpret the expression as: “You can’t stand me.” Over time, it will end up like this: since you can’t stand me, I can’t stand you too! Give them a smile, your smile can remind everyone: Even if I don’t have time to spend on you, I still love you.
Fourth, when something precious falls apart, fix it, not dump it. Not only for marriage but also for health. When you have health problems, you have to think about getting it treated. Don’t immediately think that treating it is a waste of medical fees, that way you won’t give up immediately. They are not so naive as to think that changing their spouse will result in a cuter one.
I hope that through these 4 tips, you can keep your mind clear, avoid thinking about things wrongly, avoid looking at things wrongly, cherish the person next to you, and not drive away the person who cherishes you the most. Two is better than one. The pandemic is temporary, but the relationship lasts a lifetime.
Written by: Dr. William Chui
Originally posted on: Mindset College Channel
Translated by: Cheuk Long Chan
