Many parents who love their kids deeply face a very annoying problem: Their children, especially teenagers, will feel very annoyed when they hear their parents show concern for them.
These parents often fall into a cognitive trap. They believe that the main way, or even the only way, for parents to care for their children is through constant reminders and suggestions.
Why is it so easy to fall into this trap? It is because they love their children deeply. They are afraid that their kids will get hurt. Fear takes control of their mouths and covers their ears. They fear they cannot fulfill their parental responsibility and help their children seek a good future. Sometimes even in the dead of night, they could think of something they haven’t clearly explained to their kids yet. They would worry and even feel guilty. The next day, these uncomfortable feelings would drive them to remind their children repeatedly and make more suggestions. This pulls the parent-child relationship into a vicious circle.
How do they escape this dilemma? The first thing to understand is that reminding a person of something they already remember, or even something they are already doing, is easily annoying. Unsolicited advice feels like criticism, even belittlement or insult.
So what can parents do?
(1) Listen and accompany. “So it counts as caring just by sitting next to the kids and listening quietly? It seems like they got nothing.” Many parents have this reservation. Think back to your own wedding banquet. The numerous guests that came. What made you the happiest then? It was when you spoke on stage and they all listened carefully. Did you mind when no guests gave you reminders or suggestions?
(2) Have fun together and share the imagination. Think back to when the children were still very young, playing peekaboo, walking around chasing each other, reading stories about princesses and princes, etc. Most parents feel that this is a sign of caring for their children. Even if their children are already in adolescence or even adults, it is worthwhile for the parents to join them to listen to their favorite pop music, watch sci-fi animations, and explore interesting virtual worlds together. Let your children serve as tour guides, and you are a lovely tourist, a curious and quiet one. Not criticizing, but fully immersed in the whole process.
Written by: Dr. William Chui
Originally posted on: Health HKEJ
Translated by: Cheuk Long Chan
